The Kish Mails
by It's The Krys
Summary: Kish attempts to sort through his inbox mess and answer his email. Parodies, spoofs, insanity, hilarity, and just plain weirdness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

KrysOfDeath: Before you all simultaneously scream 'WHERE WERE YOU, YOU STUPID NON-UPDATING LAZE?' which will most likely make my poor, crappy computer EXPLODE from capital letters, I must say that I was tired of all the complaining over pairings in the TMM fandom and decided to take a very long, relaxing break. To make it simple, I'm sick and tired of doing romance fics just to get nagged at for liking a certain pairing (OmiGAWD, I have opinions, how dare me! Shame, me…SHAME. –shakes finger at self-). Anyways, in response to this, I have ditched the writing of romance – which I never really liked to begin with – and have fully returned to my all-time favorite genre…COMEDY! This particular comedy fic, which was up on the site earlier before it was unfairly reported, is the first that I'll be posting. A revised, funnier version of Tokyo Mew Online will soon follow. …Once I get off my lazy ass and work on it, that is. ((laughs derisively)) Maybe I'll work on 'What's A Cold?' too...when I get around to it. ((scoffs))

**Info**: "blah" – speaking

'blah' – thinking

blah – e-mail

**Notes and TEH DISCLAIMER**: I don't own Kish, Tokyo Mew Mew, Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, any random anime/cartoon characters that may appear, or e-mail. I _do_, however, claim ownership to my own e-mail. O.o; As stated before, other random anime/cartoon characters will make appearances, and occasionally, either me or my kitsune friend Emi-San will pop in for a moment or two. I MAY have a random reviewer (chosen at random, of course) pop up in the fic as well, as long as they do NOT have anything in any of their reviews about so-and-so pairing being the best Tokyo Mew Mew pairing ever, or I shall be very very angry and ignore that person for the rest of forever. I'm tired of getting stupid reviews about pairings. (I have my OWN freakin' opinions, dammit! LEAVE ME ALONE!) NOW! On to the fic! ((dances))

**THE KISH MAILS** – Chapter One – Literacy must be evil. It isn't used.

This story begins with Kish being bored out of his mind, like that one fic that vanished mysteriously from the authoress's computer after spending weeks rotting on this very fanfiction site. However, this fic has a completely different storyline, as this time, Kish has something to do. He has…

…Pai's laptop! E-MAIL! As the authoress laughs evilly over giving her favorite green-haired alien the laptop belonging to his more intelligent (and somewhat creepy) friend, boredom forces Kish to start up the very fast and super-advanced laptop of awesomeness (don't ask, that's Pai's name for it. He's very attached to it, after all…). The green-haired boy almost immediately clicks on the Internet icon, set on checking his e-mail.

Strangely, Kish has been getting a lot of e-mails lately, and he's very suspicious about that. Maybe he shouldn't have given his e-mail address to that weird blonde girl with bat wings (a.k.a. the authoress). Upon seeing the above sentence, he freaks out. "That girl was the _authoress_?" He then curses at his inability to speak with a question mark and an exclamation point next to each other, as the stupid fanfiction site won't allow it anymore to avoid horrible fanfic writers from writing a whole paragraph of nothing but punctuation.

"Time to…CHECK MY E-MAIL!" Kish laughs evilly for a moment before deciding it's rather boring to laugh evilly when there's no one there to listen save for the fanfic readers (who can't hear him anyways). Not only that, but only people who've seen the Tokyo Mew Mew anime know that Kish has an awesomely sexy laugh (unlike his dub self). But anyways, after Kish has finished his short spat of evil laughter, he opens his inbox to find-

"Holy crap! Four hundred thirty two point one e-mails?" Stopping, Kish ponders over this. "432.1 e-mails… How can I have _point one_ of an e-mail? …Authoress, will you make up a more interesting number? PLEASE?"

Kish now has seven hundred forty nine and a half e-mails.

"Crap…" Kish sighs. "I guess I'll read the half of an e-mail first."

Deer Kish

Kish stops and stares at this sentence. "So I'm a deer now? What, did I get fused with deer DNA without my knowing it? Am I a Mew-Mew now?" The alien promptly jumps up from the futuristic office chair he was sitting in (though the authoress never specified it before due to laziness) and shouts, "Mew Mew Quiche Metamorphosis!"

Silence descends upon the room.

"……Guess not." Kish sits down, slightly embarrassed, and continues reading the half of an e-mail.

Your are the most awesomest anime character eber!

"Is awesomest even a _word_?" Kish wonders, reaching for Pai's dictionary, which the authoress also stole from the purple-haired alien. Skimming through the pages of the dictionary, he pauses. "…Is there another word for thesaurus?"

Pai pops up, looking annoyed that Kish has access to both his laptop and dictionary. "It's called a lexicon." The authoress then makes Pai disappear in a poof of chocolate sauce, leaving Kish relatively confused and just a bit chocolaty.

Then, just to keep the story moving, our favorite green-haired alien learns that awesomest is indeed not a word, and that people who say 'eber' in place of 'ever' need to either blow their nose or use their internal spelling checker (which, by the way, is standard equipment for the average intelligent person. …No, really.).

I luv you and; i wish that)I culd

The e-mail then goes into a lot of disturbing and perverted detail, which Kish decides to skip over as he stares, mortified, at the person's horrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization skills.

I obsess abu:t you al the tim, and i

Kish stops. "That's it?" He scrolls down the page a bit, but seeing that the rest is blank, he scratches his head and shrugs. "I guess it really _was_ half an e-mail. …Thank God." Seeing as Kish doesn't believe in God, it's rather amazing to hear him thanking a god he _says_ he doesn't believe in.

Having read this horribly written tragedy of an e-mail, Kish sets about the daunting task of responding to it. "I've got to tell you, person (and I say person because you conveniently forgot to tell me your name after telling me all that perverted stuff you wanted to do to me with your _frighteningly atrocious_ spelling and grammar), but…the feeling is _really _not mew-tual." Kish pauses to curse Mew Mew Power, as the dubbiness is starting to get to him with all the Mew puns.

"_Mew_-tual…_Mew_-tamorphosis…A-_mew_-sing… No, no, no. 4kids needs to get rid of that. Not funny. Not cute. Dumb. VERY dumb. Blah," Kish says, quoting the webmistress of Neko-Tokyo. The authoress then chucks a banana at him so he'll get back to responding to the half an e-mail, which is still chock full of insanely bad written errors that would make even the most _tolerant_ of readers wince at the sight of it.

Hurling the banana back at the authoress in annoyance, Kish sighs and continues responding to the scary half e-mail. "The reason I don't like you back is, number one, I love Ichigo." Miles away, Ichigo sneezes twice, and Purin goes on to rant loudly about how sneezing two times means that someone likes you. Ichigo, of course, misinterprets this somehow, being the relatively idiotic ditz that she is.

"Reason number two," Kish continues, "is that you obviously haven't stayed in school long enough to know anything about literacy, which is a key factor in any kind of relationship…I think. Meaning I pity your friends for dealing with it. If I met you, I'd probably flinch every time you took a breath to say something." Kish forgets to mention that he flinches every time his dub self takes a breath to say something in his horrible nerdy voice to show off his stereotypical bad-guy-ness. Stereotypical bad-guy-ness that the _REAL_ Kish doesn't have.

In Japan, Mia Ikumi shakes her head sadly upon finding out what 4kids have done to the whole of the poor, unsuspecting Tokyo Mew Mew cast.

"Reason number three," Kish says, now starting to count off the reasons on his fingers, "is that the authoress of this fic despises Mary-Sues in every size, shape, or form. Reason number four. You might be a guy. Reason number five. I don't know your name. And considering that most Mary-Sue writers have numbers in their usernames, yours could be 'FairyGoddess78' for all I know. Reason number six, I love Ichigo." Ichigo sneezes twice again, and Purin starts ranting again until Ryou gags her, hogties her, and shoves her into a conveniently nearby box for the time being.

"Reason number seven," Kish continues loudly, as he's slightly annoyed that the authoress keeps getting off topic, "is that I'm straight and you're probably a guy, and if you're not a guy, I'm allergic to women. Except for Ichigo. And speaking of Ichigo, reason number eight: I love Ichigo." Ichigo has another sneezing fit and decides she has a cold. Meanwhile, Kish stops counting off the reasons, a bit confused. "Wait…I said that one already, didn't I…? Like…three times…?" The readers of the fanfic nod. "…Oh, well."

Kish stops to think, then stares at the half e-mail. "You know what? …DELETED!" The delete button is slammed, and the half e-mail finds itself swirling into half e-mail Hell. Kish immediately bursts into another fit of evil laughter before signing off, leaving the rest of the e-mails to rot until the next chapter.

Pai promptly rushes in to save his beloved computer.

**END CHAPTER!**

KrysOfDeath: …My fingers hurt and my sides have split from me cracking myself up.

Kish: You're pathetic.

KrysOfDeath: Considering I amuse myself, that's probably true. o.o; Well, hope you all like it as much as I liked writing it! n.n

Kish: u.u … ((goes off to bother Ichigo))

KrysOfDeath: Just so's you all know, I'll probably update this every day, or every other day. But if I start to lag, or I just plain ignore this fic altogether, remember this; I write for my own enjoyment, as well as for the enjoyment of the people reading. Sometimes, I just don't feel like writing. Other times, I'm having personal troubles. And occasionally, I'm working on other projects. So if I'm not updating, there's probably a good reason. So please, be considerate and don't scream, yell, and/or beg for me to update. Asking me politely is fine. Just, please…don't beg and scream at me, okay? Thank you. …And now I'm going to be a complete hypocrite and beg you all to review, mostly so you can all see how stupid begging is. ((falls to her knees, clasps her hands together, and does the dreaded sad-puppy-dog face while fake sobbing)) REVIEW! PLEASE! I NEED THEM! I NEED REVIEWS! I LOVE THEM! ((in mock Gir voice)) I loves them good… ((is pelted with stale marshmallows)) MERCY! O.O;


	2. Chapter 2

KrysOfDeath: After seeing so many nice reviews-

Kish: What…the crap. You don't even HAVE any yet! You're just posting this chapter cuz you're bored and have nothing to do! O.o;

KrysOfDeath: SO WHAT! ((whacks him with Gir plushie)) After seeing the nice reviews I got ((cough, cough)), not to mention having this chapter already written out thanks to Cherry-sama and Ryou, I decided to get off my lazy rear end to post this new chapter, which is chock full of references to other things, random stuff, and just plain weirdness!

Kish: Che. I'm the one having to actually READ the e-mails…and go through all this crap that you call humor. U.u

KrysOfDeath: Shut it, you. ((whacks him with Gir plushie again))

Kish: No, seriously! How can you call this stuff humor? It's base, vulgar, and just plain stupid, not to mention _pathetic_.

KrysOfDeath: …There's another kind of humor? O.o

Kish: …YES. YES, there IS, in fact. o.o

KrysOfDeath: Mmm…No. You lie. You LIIIIIIE! ((whacks him with Gir plushie yet again))

Kish: And you call me your favorite character. ((scoffs)) u.u Your stupid Invader Zim obsession is torturing me! ((fake sobs))

KrysOfDeath: u.u … ((bops him with Zim plushie instead)) My heart bleeds buttermilk for you.

Kish: …I hate you so much… ((curls up in corner, sobbing))

**Note** – The e-mail used in this chapter was written solely for this fic by the awesome webmistress of Neko-Tokyo (Ellana/Cherry/Ryou Shirogane). Go read her stuff and look at her website. And while you're at it, go to her account on deviantART. There's a link to it on Neko-Tokyo.

**THE KISH MAILS** – Chapter Two – Immaturity causes babysitting and plushie whacking.

"Pai! Get your fat rear out of my spiffy, futuristic office chair! First off, the authoress gave it to _me_, hence it being 'MINE', and second off…or, um…secondly…when I woke up, I was wearing this hat." Kish, indeed, is wearing a hat. A hat that looks like a cactus, for no actual reason save to…well…to look like a cactus. "Third off… Are we there yet?"

Pai merely raises one eyebrow at him, which is relatively difficult, seeing as he is currently spinning around and around in Kish's spiffy, futuristic office chair out of complete and utter boredom. "We're not…_going_ anywhere…idiot."

"Yeah, that's nice."

"Dare you resist my logic?"

"_You're_ a resist!"

Pai manages not to stare at Kish like he's a _total_ moron, and then says in a slightly confused tone, "Did you just insult me using a verb?"

"You know how I love to abuse grammar." Kish shrugs. "Now…_Why_ am I here again?"

"Well, you certainly aren't here to-"

"CHECK MY E-MAIL!" Kish yells loudly, so much so that the older alien winces and puts his hands over his ears in pain. "OUT! _NOW_!" He then shoves Pai mercilessly out of the office chair, which immediately spins out of control across the room, much to Kish's annoyance. Pai grumbles for a moment before sulking his way out of the room, shooting his younger colleague a death glare every other two seconds until he finally disappears from the fanfic for a while.

After Kish chases down the runaway office chair and plops down in front of the laptop, the green-haired alien opens his inbox to find all of his wonderful (and grammatically incorrect) e-mails waiting for him. "Is the authoress actually going to make me answer _all_ of these?" he wonders. Shrugging, he picks the most random e-mail from all of them (in actuality, he just does eenie-meenie-miney-moe…), and opens it to read.

To Kish,

Kish tilts his head. "What? Not 'Dear' Kish? Am I not good enough or something? Am I not attractive enou-Oh, it's from a guy. Ryou, to be exact." Sweatdropping, everyone's favorite green-haired alien continues to read the e-mail. 

Yeah, this is Shirogane Ryou.

"As if I couldn't tell from the signature," Kish mutters, only to be hit with the authoress's Gir plushie again for being a smart-ass. "Why the hell are _you_ here?"

In an uncommon bout of seriousness, the authoress replies, "Due to your lack of maturity in the last chapter, I'm supervising you in this one. Pai's wishes."

"_WHAT_? **_You're_** the immature one!"

"Talk back and you get a mouthful of Gir plushie!" Krys snaps, waving her Gir plushie threateningly. Kish promptly shuts up and returns to the e-mail, ignoring the authoress's sudden, and immature, yell of, "YOU WILL BE DOOMED BY THE UTTER DOOM OF _SQUIRRELS_!" He _is_ trying to retain most of his sanity, after all. (Note the word 'most'.)

I'm writing you on behalf of Cherry (the webmistress of Neko-Tokyo in case you didn't know),

"How could I _not_ know? She's awesome! …Though not as awesome as Ichi-" The authoress then stuffs her Gir plushie into Kish's mouth before he can finish this sentence, motioning for him to continue reading. "Mmph!" She also ignores his muffled request to be liberated from the mouthful of plushie that he has so _lovingly_ been given.

but mostly I'm writing you on behalf of myself.

Though his mouth is full of Gir plushie, Kish manages to mumble, "Whoop-da-doo." He promptly receives a hard whack with a Zim plushie on the head. A _lovingly_ hard whack, of course. Meaning if he was human, his skull might have cracked open in three different places. "_Ow_…"

"KEEP READING!"

One, you really need to NOT talk or think about Ichigo for a prolonged amount of time,

Kish's eyes widen in terror at the prospect of this. Meanwhile, having seen Ryou writing this very e-mail, Ichigo is dancing around Café Mew Mew, overjoyed.

because yesterday at work she had this huge sneezing fit. Poor ditz thought she caught a cold, but it was you. I'm right about that, aren't I?

Finally, the Gir plushie is removed from Kish's mouth. "So _that's_ why you wouldn't let me say her name, you _dumb_ authoress!" Kish proceeds to whap the poor authoress with her own Gir plushie, which seems to have turned against her (not of its own will, of course).

A moment and a plushie beating later (in which the authoress somehow managed to save herself _and_ her plushies), Kish remembers the e-mail and continues reading, glad that at least _this _time, there's no literacy errors that would forever scar him. "I suppose he's right…but I heard that if you sneeze more than four times, it _is_ a cold…"

"Don't be a smart-ass, Kish," the authoress warns. "I have writer's privileges, remember? And this Gir plushie." Said plushie is waved threateningly. Kish nods meekly and resumes reading.

Secondly, before I forget, Cherry wanted to thank you for actually reading (and quoting) her pointless rants and complaints about 4Kids and the mockery they made out of all of us (aka Mew Mew Power).

Kish stares at this sentence, shocked. "Pointless? POINTLESS? You call Cherry's rants _pointless_? They've gotta be the best freakin' rants _ever_! And 4kids _sucks_! …So there!" Kish sulks in his office chair for a moment before a plushie, this time of Dib, hits him in the back of the head and bounces off harmlessly.

"Get back to reading!"

"All right, all right, stop _nagging_! You naggy…person…thing."

"Wow, GREAT comeback!" If sarcasm could kill, all life as we know it would be…would be…be…ah, heck, you get the point.

We really need to do something about them.

"Yeah. Blow up their headquarters and assassinate their president. But we're not doing that, _are_ we?" Kish snaps, and is hit in the back of the head with the Dib plushie again. Strangely, this time the plushie has increased in weight by at least five tons. "…That's gonna leave a mark…"

At this rate neither of our American counterparts will be shown within a ten-mile radius of Zoey. Not that the airheaded cheerleader could hold a candle to the real Ichigo,

Zoey and Ichigo both sneeze a few times. "Damns, that stuff's contagious…" Kish scratches his head. "And you were telling _me_ not to talk about Ichigo…" Ichigo's sneezing fit continues, and the VERY annoyed cat-girl somehow appears to whack Kish over the head before the authoress notices and bothers to kick her out of wherever the fanfic is taking place. "Dangit! …Why is everyone _whacking_ me this chapter?"

"Because it's fun." Krys is then whapped on the head with Kish's Ichigo plushie, but let's not discuss exactly how he got that… (Ryou, have you noticed any plushies missing lately…?)

but nevertheless. Last thing, if you even think about sending me some nasty reply for whatever reason,

"And I _surely_ won't do that," Kish mutters sarcastically, managing to dodge a well-aimed Gir plushie attack.

I'll hack Pai's computer and infect it with a really amusing virus I created.

"OOH! I wanna see! I'm gonna send a nasty reply!" Far from being frightened by this, Kish actually seems quite interested as to what the amusing virus would be like. "At least it's Pai's computer and not mine…"

Have fun with your other 748 emails and don't let the authoress get off-topic.

"Too late for _that_…"

Regards,  
Shirogane Ryou

Kish falls off his office chair, twitching. "Oh, the horrible manner-filled-ness! The politeness!" Noticing the weird stares he's getting, he gets back into his office chair. "Okay, I'm done. Now…TO REPLY!" Pondering for a moment, Kish adds, "Nastily."

"To the Also-Not-Dear Ryou with the long last name I don't feel like saying-" Kish ignores the fact that saying _that_ wasted more time than saying 'Shirogane' would have, "-I can think or talk about Ichigo whenever the _flippin'_ hell I want."

The authoress walks off to give Ichigo some anti-sneezing stuff, which probably hasn't been invented yet, but oh well. It's been invented in _this_ fic. For _no_ apparent reason!

"I'll think whatever I want to about Ichigo (never mind what that is, it's not exactly G-rated…), whenever I want (Which is all the time…), however I want (Ooh, that sounded _naughty_…), and…wherever I want (Hmm…kinky…)." Kish stops in his response. "Why is it that _everything_ I try to say about Ichigo ends up perverted in some way or another?"

Pai pops up randomly. "Blame the authoress. This is your fanfic personage talking." Kish curses and starts shoving Pai out of the room, mumbling something about the office chair being his and whatnot.

After removing Pai's presence from his own glorious one (_someone_ is on an ego trip…), the green-haired alien continues responding to the oh-so-awesome Ryou's e-mail. "Okay, so…if Ichigo catches a cold, she'll stay home…meaning I can molest her again…"

"Kish! Stay on topic!" Krys snaps. (Yes, the authoress is back in the room! Randomly!)

"_You're_ the one writing this, why are you yelling at ME?"

"You want the five ton Dib plushie on the head again?"

Kish immediately returns to the task of responding to his e-mail, looking murderous and apparently plotting the horrid, but relatively entertaining, downfall of the authoress (who is laughing madly as she types this). "Okay, yeah… I don't know _what the heck_ 4kids is planning to do about that wonderful yet annoying (at least for me) love square with _'Zoey'_-" Kish glares at Ichigo's dub name before continuing, "-but I agree that our VERY few romance bits with her are going to join the already abundant removed scenes."

"So Zoey will hate you for no reason. The only reason she'll hate you is because of that single, two-second kiss (which was, of course, longer in the original). And she'll think you're a nerd." The authoress is plainly enjoying bothering the heck out of Kish, and to keep him from retaliating, she's sitting in a field of mutant bomb-plushies, ready for an all-out war of plushie DOOM. (AN: Yes, I'm hyper. Why do you ask? O.o)

Kish pauses in responding to Ryou's e-mail so he can sob all over Pai's unsuspecting laptop, his ego seriously bruised and his dignity sprained. "Damn it, have you ever tried walking with a sprained dignity?" he wails at Krys, who merely ignores him. Elsewhere, Pai is watching as Kish sobs all over his laptop, and is barely managing to keep his eye from twitching.

"Pai? Are you feeling okay?" Taruto asks him.

Pai just nods and mumbles, "Sure, dinner sounds great." Taruto immediately backs away, looking relatively freaked out.

A few minutes later, the fanfic resumes, as Kish has been given another Ichigo plushie to miraculously cure his bruised ego and sprained dignity. "Okay, so…Ryou, you're a jerk." The authoress glares at Kish and makes a threatening motion at the Ichigo plushie he's holding, and he sweatdrops. "Um…an awesome jerk, of course! Not as awesome as me, but…um…ahem. Can't wait for you to send me that virus!"

With that, Kish logs off and Pai rushes in, only to trip over the authoress's many plushies. "NOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT A VIRUS!" he wails before the chapter ends, keeping him from saving his poor, abused laptop.

END CHAPTER!

KrysOfDeath: Meh…this one wasn't as good as the last one…

Kish: ((is nursing the many bumps and bruises he received this chapter)) Che. Maybe because of how stupid the authoress is. ((rolls eyes))

KrysOfDeath: U.u …I'll just…pretend I didn't hear that. Okay peoples, go on and send your reviews to me and Kish! Kish likes to hear what you think of his e-mail responses. ((smiles)) And don't worry, we won't bite. ((pats Kish on the head))

((CHOMP))

KrysOfDeath: …Um…Well…not much anyways. ((sweatdrops)) Kish may take a few nibbles… ((nibble, nibble)) OW! CUT THAT OUT!

Kish: ((snickers evilly whilst gnawing on the authoress's arm))

KrysOfDeath: You sadistic little bastard. u.u;

Remember, reviews make me happy, and they make me want to update! So…REVIEW! ((hypnotizes you into reviewing))


	3. Chapter 3

KrysOfDeath: O-M-G, CHAPTER THREE! Hey! I'm a poet and I didn't know it! …Heh, heh, I made a funny.

Kish: Quick! Someone get a mop!

KrysOfDeath: Yeah, I- Wait, wha? O.o;

Kish: ((shrug))

KrysOfDeath: Anymoo, time for more stupid jokes! Of course, I got the ideas for said stupid jokes from TV, just like all the jokes in Bonus Stage! n.n

Kish: ((sigh)) Here we go with the Bonus Stage stuff again…

KrysOfDeath: SUUUUUUIT!

Kish: Whadjit-?

KrysOfDeath: Uh, I mean…time for the fic! ((nods))

Kish: ((eye twitches)) There goes my remaining sanity…

REVIEW REPLIES

Seitsuuno Megami - Enjie Yekcam was the one who inspired this madness. So go read her stuff. xD

Poke Mew Plum - OMIGOD, MORE PLUSHIES! ((hugs them to death)) Well, anyways, you probably won't need to worry about Ichigo sneezing anymore. I gave her anti-sneeze stuff. Even though I'm not quite sure if it's been invented yet... o.o Oh, well! n.n

Kissu Kisshu -I will still work on a select few of my romances, but otherwise, I'm done with them. 'Stranded', however, was on my previous account, and thus is mostly finished. I've just been too lazy to repost the chapters (there are eight or nine chapters already written). Anyhoo, yeah, most people have a bad habit of letting other people's opinions piss them off, especially when it comes to opinions over the relationships of MADE UP CHARACTERS. But what can ya do? ((sighs)) About Pai's laptop, let's just say it got lucky, and Ryou's virus hasn't been sent...yet. ((evil grin)) I'm going to have a later chapter where the virus will come into the story, which will make said later chapter a total Strong Bad Email ripoff. XD;

MewChoco - Unless I run out of ideas for e-mails, I won't be taking any from reviewers. This is due to some moronic idiot misunderstanding the whole 'send me ideas in reviews' and reporting the fic the last time it was up on this site. If you insist, however, send it in an e-mail to me, rather than a review. About you making an appearance, I choose reviewers at random for a random chapter. Randomly. ((mysterious smile))

ficfan3484 - Couldn't stop laughing? That's not good. o.o One of my friends did that once, and she had to go to the hospital. You're okay, right? Your spleen hasn't burst or anything, has it? ((sweatdrops)) Anyways, as you were hoping, I updated. Enjoy, hai?

**THE KISH MAILS** – Chapter Three – Yes, White-Out fumes are dangerous.

"Do NOT swallow or inhale."

Pai looks up from his science magazine, one eyebrow raised. "Kish, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Huh? Oh, I was just reading the warning labels on this bottle of White-Out. How can you inhale White-Out anyways? In order to inhale it, wouldn't you have to get it out of the bottle first? Or do they mean the _fumes_ from the White-Out?" Somehow, Pai's eyebrow manages to raise even higher. Higher and higher until it floats out of the fanfic. …No, really.

(Insert clunking sounds here, caused by the authoress being whacked with her kitsune friend's shinai for getting off topic. …Being whacked with a shinai is painful…)

"But I digress! Digress is a funny word!" Kish states, one finger raised as he makes this ingenious statement.

Sighing, Pai sets down his magazine. "Are you going to check your e-mail or what? I'd like for you to get it over with so I can do more…important stuff. Stuff that's more important than your stupid e-mail."

All of a sudden, Kish whirls around, shocked. "Wait a second… GASP! Electronic mail? Why didn't _I_ think of that?" Pai's left eye twitches.

"Probably because someone else did. _Idiot_." With that, the purple-haired alien hurries out of the room before Kish's apparent mental illness can infect him as well. What Pai _doesn't_ know is that said apparent mental illness is caused by being in one of KrysOfDeath's fanfics. …Ah, well. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

The green-haired alien shrugs, then runs to his office chair, diving onto it just to make it spin around. Once seated and not spinning, Kish turns on the computer, intent on getting rid of a few e-mails. Yes, my dear readers. Today, Kish has planned to respond to, delete, or laugh at more than one e-mail! "Let's see…" Kish starts. "If I answer three to five e-mails every chapter, and there's a new chapter about every day or so, I'll have all 748 e-mails answered in…uh…about half a year. Or something like that. Hell, I was never all that great at math anyways. …Psh. _Math_. Who needs it. AND NOW…Time for…E-MAIL NUMBER ONE!"

S.B. – how do u tipe wit boxing glovs on?

Kish stares at this sentence for hardly two seconds before saying suspiciously, "Hey, wait a minute…" Another two seconds and the alien has it figured out. "AUTHORESS! No Strong Bad references! This fic is _already_ a big enough rip-off! BAD FORM! SHAME ON YOU!"

Krys pops her head in. "'Bad form'? What, are you practicing for a role in 'Hook'? Sorry to say, that film has been out for _years_, Kish. You're WAY late." Before he can respond nastily, she adds, "Don't get your boxers in a bunch. Just baleete the freakin' e-mail and go on with life."

"'Baleete'? Now you're quoting Homestar!" Kish exclaims.

"Am _not_." The authoress then poofs out in a burst of cotton candy, which Kish pokes at hesitantly before moving on to the next e-mail.

Not-so-dear Kish – You are a terrible character. 

Kish scowls. "Well, _this_ person didn't waste any time trying to make me feel bad. They didn't even make any spelling errors so I could make _fun_ of them. What a JERK."

You're pervy and nasty and stuff like that.

"_Some_one has been getting mad, haven't they? You know what they need to do? They need to get used to the fact that some people are just…_different_," Kish states matter-of-factly.

At that precise moment, Pai just so happens to be passing by, and decides to drop in. "You know…that's gotta be the _smartest_ and most _intelligible _thing you've ever said."

Kish looks up. "Huh? Oh, I wasn't finished. I was about to say that they need to go to Hell, and then screw themselves. Metaphorically of course, since it probably isn't physically possible."

Pai blinks, then raises an eyebrow. "…_Some_one has been getting mad, _haven't_ they?"

"Don't QUOTE me! I HATE it when you do that!"

Masaya is better than you.

For a long, quiet moment, the two aliens just stare at the screen before Pai turns to give Kish a weird look. "There's still Masaya fans out there? I thought all of _your_ fans hunted them down!"

"Guess not. Well…that might explain this e-mail. Of course, it's not _my _fault I'm so adorably sexy that my fans can't help but love me. Did I TELL them to hunt down Masaya fans? Huh? DID I? HUH? _HUH_?"

"…Yes, actually…you did. And your fans listened to you. Even though you thought they _wouldn't_…they _did_."

Kish looks vaguely surprised. "Well, _DAMN_!"

You have problems.

"_Finally_, someone who understands… Too bad that someone is a total JERKWAD."

"Kish…NO ONE says 'jerkwad' anymore."

"Says YOU! Mr. I-Know-Everything-About-NOTHING!"

"PLEASE don't quote Ed, Edd, and Eddy. That just proves you have more problems than we all originally thought."

"What's wrong with me quoting shows, _huh_? You quote _me_ all the time, so you're indirectly quoting the shows that _I'm_ quoting! SO _THERE_!"

"Well…I…uh…geh…you're…um… Your legs are stupid."

"……WOW, I'm SO hurt."

With lots of crap

"Oh my god, that's SO not getting old. I _hate_ Strong Bad references...and this whole damn _fic_ is a Strong Bad reference..." Kish mutters, putting his head in his hands.

From Steve

Kish gives a surprised noise. "This is from a MALE Masaya fan? Do those even EXIST?" Pai only shrugs. "…Well, I guess they do now. Weird. Eh, anyways, I guess I have to waste my time replying to this sorry thing. Um…" He looks over at Pai. "How should I start?"

"How about something with that word that no one says anymore?"

"What, jerkwad?"

"See, only YOU say it anymore."

"Psh. You said it earlier."

Pai takes a moment to look offended. "Did _not_."

"Yes you _did_!" Kish snatches the finished chapter script from the authoress, reads through it, and points out a line of dialogue. "See, there. THERE! You said jerkwad. See, you said it. YOU SAID IT! I WIN!"

"Whatever."

Tossing away the finished chapter script unceremoniously, the green-haired alien sets about the task of responding to his hate mail. "Okay… 'Dear Jerkwad' – SHUT UP, PAI. STOP LAUGHING. _STOP IT_! Ahem… 'Dear Jerkwad' – SHUT _UP_, PAI! I MEAN IT!" Kish sighs. "'Dear STEVE…jerk. I'm not at all offended about your opinion. Really. It's just…you need to shut up. Kinda like Pai needs to shut up about the whole 'jerkwad' thing'- SHUT **_UP_**, PAI! _DAMN_!"

Pai attempts to muffle his snickering, but of course, fails miserably. "I'm sorry, it's just that…Oh, I don't know… You really aren't acting 'not offended'."

"Was that even grammatically correct?"

"At this point, I don't even _care_ anymore."

"Anyways, as I was saying. 'Steve-jerk, you need to shut up. If you can't say something nice, then go screw yourself, cuz you're stupid and should die." Pai, who is just a bit confused, opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it and keeps quiet, which is probably the more intelligent thing to do. "And now…DELETED!" Kish slams the delete button, quite happily. "Okay, time for e-mail numbah three!"

"And now you're messing with spelling so that you could make a Kids Next Door reference. What is WRONG with you?"

"SHUT UP, PAI!"

Dear Kish – Inhale some White-Out, I'm in need of entertainment. DO IT NOW. –From, the authoress. (P.S. If you don't, you may find yourself buried in plushies at the end of the fic.)

The two gape at the screen before Kish squeals joyfully, "WOOHOO! _FINALLY_!"

"What do you mean, 'finally'?" Pai asks, one eyebrow raised as he watches Kish grab a bottle of White-Out.

**Two hours later…**

"After nearly an hour of experimenting, Kish finally found a way to ACTUALLY inhale White-Out itself," Pai says to Taruto as they enjoy their dinner.

Taruto tilts his head cutely. "So what happened?"

"He died."

END OF CHAPTER!

Kish: …You…_killed_ me? O.o;

KrysOfDeath: Nah, don't worry, it's a temporary thing. ((laughs))

Kish: ………You're ripping off Bonus Stage again, aren't you? u.u

KrysOfDeath: What, with the multiple deaths thing? …NAH. ((innocent look))

Kish: Ugh… ((shakes head)) You're so dumb.

KrysOfDeath: … ((presses a button))

((Kish suddenly finds himself buried in plushies))


	4. Chapter 4

KrysOfDeath: And here we are at Chapter Four!

Kish: WILL IT NEVER _END_? O.O;

KrysOfDeath: Of course it…won't. o.o

Kish: … ((keels over)) x.x

KrysOfDeath: Hmm? Did I say something wrong? ((scratches head))

**NOTE 1: **Sorry about my lack of updating. My modem was being all…crazy-like. That and I had absolutely NO inspiration for God knows HOW long… ((dies…sorta))

**NOTE** **2:** Starting now, I will occasionally pick random things from reviews to shove into the fanfic. If you don't know what I mean, you'll see soon enough.

REVIEW REPLIES

NatsukoChan and Mew Meron: The thought of male Masaya fans is quite creepy indeed, isn't it? Don't worry, I'm scared too. ((sweatdrops))

hm: Yes, I am quite evil, aren't I? ((grin))

Sakuranbo-chan: FELLOW INVADER ZIM FAN! ((tackle-glomp-bearhug)) Not just a fellow Invader Zim fan, either...FELLOW ZADR FAN! ((more tackle-glomp-bearhugs)) n.n Anyhoo, yes, I have planned to finish 'What's A Cold?', but it'll take me a while before I feel like finishing another chapter. I have the sixth chapter mostly finished, I just don't feel like working on it, 'tis all.

dream-angel114: Well...I didn't exactly update SOON, but I updated. o.O;

Seitsuuno Megami: Omigod, I LOVED that one. xD 'Brianrietta'... ((shakes head and laughs))

tenderflowers: I only like Strong Bad when he's answering his e-mail, so there ya go. xD And I really have no clue as to how Kish inhaled the White-Out. You'll have to ask him yourself. O.o;

KishLover123: ...Your review gave me quite a nice thought. Thoughts of a super-hot green-haired alien shoving an air-headed human boy's head down a porcelain bowl of human waste disposal always make me quite teh happy. If that even made sense at all. o.o

Kissu Kisshu: To tell the truth, I don't dislike Masaya all that much, it's just that I find it quite entertaining to torture him. xD; And making references to vague web-comics, flash movies, cartoons, and animes make me very happy indeed. So expect lots more references to come. ((laughs))

ficfan3484: Whoo! Plushies! ((grabs)) Now I have more things to whack people with! ((dances joyfully)) Glad you're all right, by the by. Don't want any readers to die laughing or something. ((sweatdrops))

Spaceman Spiff: Best fic in the world? That's probably the best compliment I've had on one of my fics... ((sniffs)) Darn it...Now you've got me being all sentimental and stuff... I'd better hurry up with this review reply before I start crying or something. ((laughs)) The 'Your legs are stupid' line was an enormous reference to Invader Zim, to tell the truth. I love making references to Invader Zim. xD; And like tenderflowers, you'll have to ask Kish how he inhaled the White-Out. I have no clue how he did it. ((shrugs))

**THE KISH MAILS** – Chapter Four – Opinions, toilets, and…puppies?

Kish, seated in his spiffy, futuristic office chair, looks around in confusion. "What the-? I thought I was DEAD! Whatever happened to _continuity_?" He then sees his dead body lying on the floor. "…Oh my…GOD…" Considering that Kish STILL doesn't believe in God, it's amazing he even makes references to religion. Yeah, sorry, authoress getting off topic here…

"Oh, right, I still have to get rid of that, don't I?" Pai mutters.

"I AM dead!" Kish wails. "I'm a ghost, or having an out-of-body experience, or uh…maybe BOTH, if it's possible! I see the white light…Oh wait, that's Pai's laptop, isn't it? Ah well, I guess it's a decent replacement. I'm floating away, being dragged to the afterlife – See, there's my body WAY down there, and-"

"Kish, what the hell are you talking about?"

The ranting boy stops suddenly, and looks over at Pai. "You can see me?" Pai only raises an eyebrow.

"DUH. You're kinda sitting RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. What, you think I'm blind or something?"

Kish stares at him. "But…but…I-I'm _dead_. See, my dead body…it's…it's right _there_. It's…laying on the floor…being…well…_dead_. …I hope. Cuz if it's not dead, that's gonna be somewhat…weird. And referential. ……That's MY body, right?"

"Well, _YEAH_. You _did_ kinda…you know…DIE."

"But…I'm apparently ALIVE. And if I'm dead, too…then that means…" Kish's eyes go wide and he says in a creepy tone, "I'm a **_zombie_**…"

The older alien frowns at him. "_Please_ stop making Bonus Stage references. It's _really_ annoying when you do that," he snaps. "And you're _not_ a zombie. The authoress just decided that every time you die in this fic, you'll appear right back in front of your…I mean…MY…laptop. And your dead body will stay wherever you…well…died."

Sighing in relief, Kish nods understandingly. "Sorry about this, but I'm going to have to make another Bonus Stage reference - do you think my dead body will still have a wallet in its pocket? I had like…fifty bucks in there when I died." Pai blinks, then checks the dead body's pockets.

"Hey…whaddaya know? Your wallet's still there."

"Awesome! I better try to die more often then! I'll get fifty bucks every time I die!" Kish exclaims cheerfully as he grabs it and stuffs it into his pocket to join the wallet currently occupying it.

"You'd better get to answering your e-mail, too, before the readers get bored and go to read something else," Pai warns as he goes off to do STUFF.

Kish scoffs. "Like they'd do that. They LOVE me. Why _else_ would they be reading this fic, huh?" He then turns on the laptop, bracing himself for horrible spelling and grammar. "Okay, here we go…e-mail number one."

Dear Ksh

"…This person spelled my glorious name wrong! How dare they! Person, I don't like you anymore!" Kish slumps down in his chair, crossing his arms and pouting cutely. Meanwhile, the authoress rolls her eyes at how pathetic the alien is acting.

Do yu ever read any of the fanfic people rite about you?

Kish blinks, then raises an eyebrow. "Fanfic? As in, only one? There's only _one_ fanfic about me? If that was actually true, I'd have to take a moment to say 'WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO'. And…I just did. But that's really not important, so…yeah. Whatever." Apparently, the alien realizes that his latest line of dialogue was completely pointless and of no importance to the fic. "So why is the authoress still going on about it?" …Oh. Oops.

They seem too like pairing you with aa whole bunch of diferent TMM charactrs.

"I noticed. It's frightening, isn't it? All these fanfic writers seem to like whoring me. I'M NOT A WHORE!" Kish wails.

In a nearby room, Pai's left eye starts to twitch as he ponders whether or not to rescue his poor, abused laptop. Not that the authoress would let him or anything...

Pleeze tell me youre opinions on this. Love, Elly

"Elly? As in, Bonus Stage Elly?" Upon hearing this, Pai runs in to give Kish a good whack over the head. Before he can, however, a lobster suddenly appears in front of him, causing him to trip. Exactly _where_ that lobster came from, however, only the authoress knows.

After a moment of thought (in which Pai suddenly vanishes for no apparent reason), Kish begins to type out the reply to his e-mail (whilst reading it out loud for the fanfic readers, just to be nice). "You know what, I just flat out think that fanfiction shouldn't exist. Why? Because not only is it usually complete and utter TORTURE for the characters, but the creator of the series _obviously_ intended for said series to be a certain way, and that's how it's _supposed_ to be. End of story. So now, I'm going to go hunt down some fanfic writers-"

Krys suddenly appears in the room with a rolling pin in her hand. "You're going to do WHAT, exactly?" Kish squeaks in terror, as the authoress seems to be exuding waves of scary DOOM.

"Um…give some…fanfic writers awards for…being so…uh…great…?" The alien looks around quickly for an escape route, and, finding none, attempts to teleport, only to find that… "Uh…why can't I teleport?"

"I have writer's privileges, remember?" Krys grins evilly. "And now, instead of a Gir plushie, I have a ROLLING PIN. It'll hurt a lot more, might I add."

Kish cowers in his office chair, shielding his head with his arms. "MERCY!"

The authoress blinks. "What's that?"

"Geez, you need to get out more!"

Sighing, Krys tosses the rolling pin away and crosses her arms. "Look, Kish, one more insult to the world of fanfiction will make me have to doom you. Do you WANT me to doom you?" Kish shakes his head frantically. "Okay, good. And from now on, keep your opinions about fanfiction to yourself, got it?"

"Why _SHOULD_ I?"

"Because a wise man once said that opinions are like butts. Everyone has them, but no one thinks theirs stink. So do all your fanfiction-loving fans a favor and wiggle your butt elsewhere," Krys says, nodding sagely.

Kish pouts. "But…my fans _like_ my butt…"

"…You didn't understand that at ALL, did you?" The alien shakes his head, smiling innocently as he does so. "Good **God**, just get back to answering your e-mail! NOW, before I decide to start pelting you with stale marshmallows!" The authoress then disappears from the fanfic, and everyone's favorite green-haired alien returns to searching through his inbox for a somewhat decent e-mail to answer.

"Psh. Decent e-mail? Like _that's_ gonna happen."

Dear Kish; Could you shove Masaya's head in a toilet? Love, K.L.123

Kish sighs happily. "Okay, maybe it is. This is MY kinda e-mail."

Fortunately for those who don't hate Masaya to little pieces, Krys decided to be nice to the little moron for once. Meaning she set loose a bunch of rabid fangirls into the alien spaceship before Kish could actually go _looking_ for him.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

**LATER...**

"It's _your_ fault, you know," Pai mutters as Kish, looking thoroughly pissed off, sorts through his e-mail. Pai is sporting various minor injuries due to the overzealous 'attention' from the rabid fangirls, Taruto (though he hasn't shown up in a while) is scarred for life and hiding in his closet, and Kish…let's just say he's had better days.

Kish doesn't even look away from the laptop screen, only scowls. "How is it MY fault?" he snaps.

The older boy crosses his arms. "Well, you WERE about to go hunting down Masaya so as to shove his head down a device used for human waste disposal…"

"You _seriously_ have a way with words, you know that?" Kish replies sarcastically. "_Goodness_, Pai, it's called a _TOILET_."

"I really don't give a _damn_ what it's called, the fact is, YOU wanted to shove Masaya's head into one for the entertainment of a fan, not even taking into account the opinions of _other_ fans (who might actually _like_ him, just for your information). Thus, the authoress decided to take it into her own hands in order to keep from insulting the fanfic readers, hence the rabid fangirls being set loose on our ship," Pai explains, irritated. "It's good that you want to keep individual fans happy, but-"

Kish turns to glare at him. "Why are you explaining this to me like I'm a friggin' FIVE-year-old? I understand, all right? How DUMB do you think I am?"

"_Pretty_ dumb. …Wait a minute…" Pai smacks a hand to his forehead as Kish starts to laugh his head off. "I _can't_ believe you tricked me into making a Foster's reference…"

"HA! Stick THAT in your pooper!" Kish is promptly whacked over the head for making yet another Bonus Stage reference. "Okay, okay, _sheesh_! I'll try not to do it again!"

Pai scoffs. "Just get on with the e-mail so we can end the torture, all right? This fanfic's getting irritating."

"It was irritating to _begin_ with!"

"JUST. HURRY. _UP_!"

Dear Kish; How long do you think you could last if you had to take care of three puppies? Love, Anonymous

"Wow, _that's_ a horrible name. I'd hate to be named Anonymous, I wouldn't get credit for _anything_!" Kish says. Pai only gives him a weird look in response to this. "Oh, hey look, there's a postal stamp!"

"Uh…Kish… The P.S. stands for post-script…"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Anyways, I'll answer to the postal stamp later." Pai attempts to correct the younger alien again, and of course, is ignored for his troubles. "How long would I last, eh, Anonymous? What's so bad about taking care of a bunch of puppies? It's not like they can _hurt_ anyone. What damage could _they_ cause?"

Pai sighs and shakes his head sympathetically.

P.S. I'm having the authoress poof a few puppies to you as you read this. Good luck!

"'Poof' them to me? What the hell does _that_ mean? 'Good luck'? HUH?" As soon as these words leave Kish's mouth, three adorable puppies appear in his lap in a burst of purple smoke. They immediately begin chewing on his shorts. "**OH**. **MY**. **GOD**." Kish still doesn't believe in God, by the way.

Pai watches amusedly as his younger colleague attempts to remove the puppies from his shorts (failing miserably). "Aren't those dry-clean-only?" he asks innocently. Kish only growls evilly at him as he continues his attempts to dislodge the puppies.

**Three hours later**

Kish is curled up in the corner, whimpering and trembling as the puppies climb over him and chew on his clothing (making adorably cute noises whilst doing so). Taruto raises an eyebrow at the sight, then looks over at Pai. "So…how long has he been like this?"

After making a big show of thinking about it, Pai responds, "I think he snapped about five minutes after the puppies started barking incessantly. Which was…ten minutes after he got them."

"The moral being…what?"

"Kish would make a _horrible_ pet owner."

Said Kish spoke up from his spot in the corner, sounding relatively miserable. "Puppy bites are painful…"

"Well, they're probably teething right now, anyways. …The puppies, that is," Pai replies as he tries his hardest not to laugh.

The younger alien's voice suddenly turns squeaky and a bit more than freaked out. "Pai…I think one of them is trying to eat my leg…"

"Yeah, they'll do that if you're not careful."

**END CHAPTER!**

KrysOfDeath: The other morals – opinions are like butts, Kish trying to shove Masaya's head down a toilet results in mass fangirl attacks, and puppies are a bit more than a handful if you don't know how to take care of them. Thank you. O.o

Kish: Psh. Like _you've_ ever had a problem with raising puppies… --;

KrysOfDeath: I've got scars to prove otherwise. xD

Kish: … o.o; Well, you've never had problems with fan attacks.

KrysOfDeath: Are you kidding? I can't even sign on to AIM anymore! I get swamped with instant messages! ((laughs))

Kish: …And I'm sure you've had problems with opinions as well?

KrysOfDeath: 'Tis the main reason I quit writing romance, my friend. ((nods sagely))

Kish: …I suppose I'm expected to pity you, right?

KrysOfDeath: Pft. I don't need your _pity_! What can I do with _PITY_? **NOTHING**! I focus on MATERIAL wealth, cuz that's what's IN nowadays!

Kish: O.o; …You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

KrysOfDeath: Sarcastic? What's that? o.o

Kish: …You…don't know what sarcasm is? But…but you use it all the time! ((confused))

KrysOfDeath: ((sarcastically)) Of _COURSE_ I do… I use sarcasm _all_ the time…

Kish: …You're…totally messing with me, aren't you? O.o;

KrysOfDeath: Yup! ((smiles innocently)) That, and I felt like making a Foster's reference again. n.n

Kish: D'oh! ((slaps forehead))


	5. Chapter 5

KrysOfDeath: ((sigh)) I guess I should have written out 'Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends' rather than just 'Foster's'. Sorry for any confusion about that. ((laughs nervously))

Kish: You're SO stupid. --;

KrysOfDeath: I know I am, but what are you?

Kish: I'm- Wait, wha-? Don't you mean… Um… Huh…?

KrysOfDeath: I mean what I mean and I say what I say! n.n

Kish: …Can't you just say what you mean and stop confusing me? O.o;

KrysOfDeath: … ((blinks))

Kish: ((sigh)) Never mind…

**NOTE **– I'll do review replies next chapter. I'm being a lazy bum. PRAISE ME. PRAISE ME!

**THE KISH MAILS** – Chapter Five – The Best Chapter…EVER! WHOO!

Kish, sitting at the laptop as usual and lazily slurping from a large cup of soda, stares up at the title blandly. "Wow. I think _someone's_ getting lazy with the chapter titles." He then tosses away the soda, not really caring all that much about the carpet. Due to all of the accidents the puppies had in the last chapter before the authoress decided to get rid of them (by giving them loving new homes, of course), the carpet really isn't worth taking care of anymore. Not to mention it's kinda scary to look at.

"Time…for teh e-mail!" Kish exclaims dramatically. Before logging in to search through his inbox, the alien scratches his head thoughtfully. "I wonder why I haven't been getting any more e-mails since this fic started…" It's a bit more than apparent that Kish hasn't been checking his _other_ e-mail account. But let's save that for the sequel, shall we?

From someplace very far away, Kish hears the authoress burst into a bout of evil laughter and shudders at the sound of it. "_Damn_, that girl's crazy…"

Dear Kish, I don't like your ears. They're too big. Love, Blah.

"Okay, I'd rather be named 'Anonymous' than 'Blah'. I'd pity this person if they weren't making fun of my ears, but since they did indeed make fun of my ears, I could care less about all of the horrific torment they've gone through due to the utmost stupidity of their name. No offense to _other_ people who are named Blah, of course, just this _particular_ Blah. Anyways… Look, Blah, do you think I LIKE having big ears? Huh? HUH? ASK ME." Kish whirls around to where Taruto has been standing idly and yells, "ASK MEEEE!"

Taruto blinks, looking rather bemused, then asks hesitantly, "D…Do you like having big ears?"

"Eh, it's alright…"

"I was kind of hoping that my first decent appearance wouldn't be so…odd. Odd, stupid, not to mention referential." Taruto sighs and shakes his head. "You and your references…"

The older alien only sticks his tongue out immaturely before returning to his e-mail. "Okay, this piece of crap doesn't even deserve a reply. I'ma delete it now." And thus, yet another e-mail finds itself swirling into e-mail hell, which is sorta like half e-mail hell, but more…whole, and not half. "Hey, Taruto?"

"Yeah?"

"My ears are bigger than yours."

The pig-tailed boy only raises an eyebrow. "…I'm not exactly sure what you mean to prove by this, but…okay?"

Kish nods sagely. "Precisely." He sighs a bit. "I'm a bit disappointed with your answer, but then, I shouldn't really be surprised… A naïve little boy such as yourself would never understand adult matters like that." Taruto's expression is suddenly slightly freaked out. "_Any_how… I think it's time for another e-mail. Hopefully one that's an insult to literacy, so I can laugh at it."

"Can I answer an e-mail?" Taruto asks hopefully.

"Can pigs fly?"

After a moment of thought, Taruto holds up a finger. "Hold that thought." He then vanishes. Kish shakes his head sympathetically.

"That poor kid… So naïve… So simple-minded… …Never mind the fact that those words mean exactly the same thing…"

Two minutes later, Taruto reappears in the room holding a small pig, which a strange green dog is latched onto, wildly screaming what seems to be "WHY YOU TAKE MAH PIGGY? I LOVEDED MAH PIGGY! GIMME BACK MAH PIGGY! Oooooh…taquitos!" Kish merely raises an eyebrow.

Taruto then chucks the pig across the room, and the poor thing sails into the trash chute to be ejected into outer space, green dog and all. "See! It flew! Now let me answer an e-mail!"

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!" Kish exclaims as he watches the poor, abused pig float around outside the window, the green dog still latched on to it (and apparently gnawing on its leg). "Hey, waitaminute… Isn't that dog…? …Eh, couldn't be."

Knowing that Kish isn't about to let him answer any e-mails, Taruto decides to resort to drastic measures in order to get his way. What drastic measures, you ask? …He sits down on the floor and bursts into very noisy tears. And to further agitate poor Kish's ears, the acoustics of the room only help to increase the volume of the already irritatingly-noisy bawling. "Gah… FINE! You can answer ONE e-mail! ONE!"

The tears immediately stop, and Taruto jumps into the spiffy, futuristic office chair. "Whoo! E-MAIL!" He then stops and gives Kish an annoyed glare. "You logged out of your account."

"Oh wow, isn't that just too damn bad?" Kish replies sarcastically.

"If you don't let me answer an e-mail, I'll tell Pai who ate all of the Lucky Charms!"

Kish suddenly looks both offended and annoyed. "I did _not_ eat them! Lucky Charms are _occult_! If you eat them, you'll go to Hell!"

"You don't even have a _religion_! What are you _talking_ about?" Taruto exclaims.

"You wanna know something, I don't even _know_ anymore!"

Annoyed by all of the yelling, Pai pokes his head in. "Just for your information, Taruto, Kish has had a fear of Lucky Charms for _ages_ now."

"That leprechaun is EVIL, I tell ya!"

"Shut _up_, Kish, enough about the damned leprechaun!" Pai snaps.

Taruto looks confused. "But…if Kish didn't eat them, who _did_?"

"_You_ did. Idiot."

"……Oh, _yeah_… I _did_, didn't I?" Taruto laughs nervously. "Well, uh…I…well… Yeah. See ya." He then teleports elsewhere, being relatively sure that he'll get in trouble somehow if he sticks around.

Kish grins. "That works _every_ time. Thanks, Pai." Pai only gives his younger colleague a look that plainly states 'You owe me ten bucks' before wandering off, giving an annoyed shake of his head as he does so. "And now, to return to the action that this whole stupid fanfic revolves around – the checking of electronic mail for cheap laughs! Whoo!"

kish, hith did u inhal teh wite-out? tm! -ttyl, cassy101

"'Hith'? 'Tm'? 'Ttyl'?" Kish blinks in confusion. "Ohhhhh…chatspeak! I get it now! Time to get out my handy dandy…NOTEBOOK! …No, wait, that's a really lame reference, I should be _shot_ for that." The alien shakes his head and opens a random desk drawer, searching through it until he finds a small book. "A-ha! My handy-dandy chatspeak book! Guaranteed to translate all chatspeak into understandable English! After all, chatspeak is a language I knoweth not."

For a whole five minutes, Kish dedicates his time to flipping through the many sections of the small book. "Smileys…emoticons…special occasion smileys? What are those? …Oh, hey, look, there's a smiley for each of the Simpson's! _Weird_! …And there's a hat salesman smiley, too! For some reason, _that_...is freakin' awesome!" From off-screen, a turnip comes flying to hit Kish on the side of the head so as to remind him to stay on-topic. "Oh, right. Chatspeak. Hmm… 'hith' is 'how in the hell'… 'tm' is 'tell me'. You know, I'm kinda wondering why people can't just write out what they're trying to say, it makes it _so_ much easier for the people reading… 'ttyl'… Oh, wait, I know that one already. Whatever. Okay, time to translate this for the readers, cuz I'm nice like that! I'll even improve the spelling and capitalization, which are absolutely nonexistent in this particular e-mail!"

Kish, how in the hell did you inhale the White-Out? Tell me! -Talk to you later, "Chatspeak"101

"From now on, my illiterate friend, you shall be dubbed Chatspeak. And that '101' thing needs to go." Kish shakes his head sympathetically. "Anyways, how did I inhale the White-Out… Well, I have to say, it wasn't a very good experience. It was kinda neat at first, until I realized that I was _drowning_ in it. And by then, I was a bit too…eh…_weird_ to do anything about it. I was pretty sure I was a species of talking flower at one point, and while it was _very_ educational, I don't think I want to repeat the experience. …_Damn_, that's trippy…" The alien laughs nervously before moving on to his next e-mail.

Deer Kish

"Oh, come _on_, people! I'm not a Mew-Mew or anything, REALLY!" Kish exclaims. He then looks around hesitantly to make sure no one's around before jumping up and once again yelling, "Mew Mew Quiche Metamorphosis!" …Silence descends upon the room once more. "Eh. Guess not…again."

Then, just to be mean, the authoress poofs the alien into his own custom Mew-Mew outfit (complete with deer antlers, ears, and tail!). "…Oh, VERY funny, authoress."

After hurriedly changing out of the horridly skimpy outfit and into his original one (I'm sure the perverts reading this just got a few naughty images, ne?), Kish continues the checking of his e-mail.

I want too see what youd act liek if you where drunk -Luv, Silver

Kish scowls. "Oh, hello, illiterate person!" he begins in a cheerfully sarcastic tone. "You know, if you _really_ 'want to see' that (why yes, the word 'to' actually IS spelled with one 'o', genius), just go and read 'Stranded' or something and STOP WASTING MY TIME. ..._But_, since you're probably too lazy to go and find it, I guess I can sacrifice a few bottles of sake for your entertainment. See? I'm _nice_."

(A/N: Sake – Japanese rice wine. Pronounced 'sa-keh', so don't let your parents trick you into thinking it's pronounced 'sa-key', cuz it's **_NOT_**. NOT, _NOT_, **_NOT_**! I'll have more on this at the end of the chapter. A LOT more.)

**Ten minutes later…**

Pai pokes his head into the room, wondering how much trouble Kish had gotten into so far and somewhat hoping that the authoress had buried him in plushies. Unfortunately for him, all he finds is a very…very…_very_ drunk green-haired alien, who is currently conversing in very fluent gibberish with the nearest wall. "Uh…Kish…?"

"Whoo! Pai-pai! You's gots a moose on yer head!" Kish squeals happily. "I can help ya with that! Come 'ere, Moosey! MOOOOOOSEY!" Pai blinks several times, utterly confused.

"I have a…moose…on my head…" he dead-pans, looking _very_ skeptical. Kish nods his head frantically. "Uh…are you drunk?"

His green-haired colleague grins stupidly, nodding frantically again. "Yep! Ah'm drunker than a skunk!"

"Kish, you _know_ you can't hold your liquor! It hardly takes one glass of wine to get you drunk! And you're _stupid_ when you're drunk!" Pai scolds him. "Really, you've been through _how_ many years of education and you act like _this_ when you're drunk. It's _seriously_ pathetic!"

Kish squints, apparently thinking as hard as he possibly could in his current condition. "I've been through… Twenty years of education!" Pai blinks. "I graduated the tenth grade twice!" his colleague continues cheerfully. It seems as though Kish has forgotten he's only about fifteen or so.

Sighing and shaking his head, the violet-haired alien holds up two fingers. "How many fingers do you see?"

"Hey, _wow_, Pai! …I didn't know you were triplets!"

"Just answer the question, dumbass!"

"Forty and a half!" Pai takes a moment to look _extremely_ weirded out. "_MAN_, I'm drunk!" Kish giggles, hugging his office chair.

"Recite the alphabet backwards."

Kish squints again, trying to think really hard. However, it seems that the only thing that makes sense in his mind right now is 'Whoo! Drunk! I like muffins! And TOAST. SUPER toast! I LIIIIKE TO MAKE WAAAFFLLLLES... And BACON! _Dancin' weenies_! Dancin' weenies... WOOHOO! Ah'ma gonna do mah squeaky pants dance!' "Z, y, x, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, p, o, n, m, l, k, j, i, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a?"

Pai raises an eyebrow, surprised that Kish is _actually_ right. "Okay…recite it forwards now."

"A, r, 16, s, t, v – heh, TV – 21…fork…mix in a little sauce… b, x, 59, r…no wait, I said that already… Didja know the meaning of life is 42? And two plus three is FISH! H...monkey...YAY MONKEY! ...Y, m, c, a, YMCA, then some words I can't remember...p, o, n, PON! WHOO! Tupperware!"

"NO, NO, NO." The older alien shakes his head, hiding his face with a hand. "Okay, when I say 'right', touch your nose with your right hand. If I say 'left', touch your nose with your left hand. Got it?"

"Cantcha tell ah'm drunk already? I'm not even sure if my feet are my hands or if it's the other way around! ...No, wait...that's my stomach, never mind... I'm REALLY drunk, and I'd appreciate any help distinguishing one body part from another. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah...cantcha tell I'm drunk, Mr. Pai?"

"Yes, indeed I can,but this is actually quite entertaining. Right." Kish starts to raise his left hand, but catches himself, and touches his nose with his right. "Now left." Amazingly, the drunk boy manages to get it right. "Left." Kish uses his right hand. "…Right." Kish looks from one hand to the other, shrugs, and uses both. "…Well, you didn't exactly pass with flying colors… Uh…try walking in a straight line."

Kish nods. "Okie-dokie." He stands up, and promptly trips over his own feet. "Oopsies…"

"Okay, I'd say you're pretty drunk."

"Yep, I'd say I'm pretty, too. …Ya know, I feel kinda sick. I think my stomach is digesting itself."

"Nah. It's only natural for you to feel sick after drinking…what…three bottles of sake? It's too bad you're too drunk to walk to the bathroom, cuz I'm certainly not going to help you. Have fun drowning in your own vomit!" Pai says cheerfully as he walks out of the room.

Kish grins stupidly. "Whoo! I'll get a thousand bucks this time for dying! No, wait, I added a zero, didn't I? Oh, well… …I dun feel so gewd…"

**Thirty minutes later**

"So Kish died by drowning in his own alcohol-induced vomit?" Taruto asks, not surprised.

"Yup. And he'd _better_ clean up after himself, or I'll flog him to death with his own dead body."

Taruto raises an eyebrow. "That doesn't really make sense…"

"_Nothing_ does in _this_ fanfic."

"…Good point."

**END CHAPTER!**

KrysOfDeath: I know me making Kish stupidly drunk is a total rip-off of my very own fanfic 'Stranded', but a drunk Kish is _very_ fun to play with when writing a fanfic. O.o

Kish: ((has just finished gargling with mouthwash)) Geez…

KrysOfDeath: And I realized I made a little mistake with the whole 'taking-money-from-dead-bodies' thing. Kish's pocket change would double every time he dies if he takes money from his corpse's wallet…

Kish: You should have noticed that before, but then…you're a total _moron_, so I shouldn't be surprised. --;

KrysOfDeath: Guess how many references I put in here on purpose! There's a lot! O.o

**About the pronunciation of Japanese words**: Most Americans (those who have no clue about anime, have never been to Japan, or are just plain stupid, that is) usually pronounce the 'e' in Japanese words how they would normally sound to an English person – 'EE'. However, the 'e' in Japanese words is ALWAYS pronounced as an 'eh' sound. Actually, ALL vowels in the Japanese language have a set pronunciation, and I have not yet found a _single_ word with a vowel that goes against this rule. If your parents are pronouncing 'sake' as 'sa-key', and you correct them (only to have them ridicule you in some way and tell you that they know better), write down the word 'Hiroshima' and ask them to say it. If they say 'Her-oh-sheh-muh', tell them that they have NO idea how to pronounce Japanese words, as Hiroshima is pronounced 'Hee-ro-shee-mah'. An 'i' in the Japanese language is pronounced as 'ee', and 'e', again, is pronounced as 'eh'. 'A' is pronounced as 'ah', 'u' is pronounced as 'oo', and 'o' is pronounced as 'oh'. If your parents continue to be stupid, it might be best to find a site that has audio files of the pronunciations. Might help if you have friends in Japanese class, too, along with a teacher who's actually lived in Japan for a while. However, if your parents are stubborn (and just overall pathetically stupid) like mine are, it might be best to just drop the subject. X.x; Yes, my parents are completely stupid as to how Japanese words are pronounced, and don't seem to realize that I not only have several friends in Japanese class, but I also watch an immense amount of anime, I listen to J-pop often, and I study Japanese myself. So please, unless you're Japanese and speak it regularly (and thus, know better than I do), do NOT try to correct me, cuz I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about. And I'm sorry for the long rant, but I had to get it out of my system. ((laughs)) You don't know _how _many times I've just wanted to slug people for saying 'Hiroshima' wrong. They even mispronounced it in the new 'War of the Worlds'! Geez, if you're going to make a movie, RESEARCH first or get actors who KNOW better! X.x; That movie had a lot of inconsistencies, by the by, but I'm not going to get into that here. I need to end the chapter sometime this century. ((sweatdrops))


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